Why Most Relationships Fail—and What You Can Do Differently

Some months ago, I was consulting with a client who was tired, frustrated, and heartbroken. “Why do my relationships keep failing?” she asked. “I give so much, but it never seems to be enough.”

As she spoke, a little voice in my head whispered, “Story of my life.” But I quickly shut it down to focus on her situation. What was really happening here?

As we dove deeper, we uncovered a pattern that felt all too familiar. My client thought her communication was clear, but there was often a gap between her intent and what her partner received. Her words, tone, body language, and timing often sent entirely different messages than she intended.

I also noticed her defensive posture throughout the session, and it struck a chord. I’ve seen that exact pose in others during tough conversations, and I reflected on how such a stance might impact an intimate relationship.

The truth is, relationships don’t fall apart in one dramatic moment—it’s the small, repeated cracks over time that weaken their foundation. And one of the biggest culprits? Communication—or the lack of it.

Common Relationship Pitfalls

1.⁠ ⁠Assuming Instead of Asking
We often expect our partners to “just know” what we need, as if they’re mind readers. We say things like, “Everyone knows that!” But who exactly is everyone? Is it the people from your home who share similar conditioning? Your hood, where you grew up with shared experiences? Or your friend group, where shared ideals keep you close?

The truth is, your partner is not “everyone.” They’re an individual with their own background, perceptions, and experiences. Assuming instead of asking breeds resentment and disconnect.

2.⁠ ⁠Ignoring Emotional Bids
Emotional bids are the small ways your partner reaches out for connection—whether it’s a random thought, a touch, or a request for comfort. Ignoring these moments (even unintentionally) creates emotional distance.

Statements like, “I’m not a hugging kind of person,” can feel dismissive to someone whose love language is physical touch. Relationships thrive when we embrace these bids, even if they challenge our comfort zones.

3.⁠ ⁠Avoiding Conflict
Many people see conflict as a bad thing, but healthy conflict is a sign of growth. Avoiding tough conversations doesn’t keep the peace—it plants seeds of mistrust. Over time, these unspoken issues fester and grow into larger problems.

Healthy anger and disagreements, when approached constructively, can actually deepen your connection. Silence may seem like the easier path, but it erodes trust. Choose wisely.

What You Can Do Differently

1.⁠ ⁠Learn Each Other’s Love Languages
Love is not a one-size-fits-all formula. Understanding what fills your partner’s “love tank” is essential. While you might feel loved through words, your partner might need quality time or acts of service. Learn and speak each other’s love languages—this small shift can transform your relationship.

2.⁠ ⁠Practice Active Listening
Listening is more than waiting for your turn to talk. Active listening is about being present, hearing what’s said, and paying attention to what’s not. Don’t assume; repeat back what you understand to ensure clarity. This simple act can bridge communication gaps and build trust.

3.⁠ ⁠Schedule Regular Check-Ins
Life gets busy, but your relationship shouldn’t run on autopilot. Take time weekly or monthly to reconnect. Discuss what’s working, what’s not, and how you can support each other better. Intentionality keeps the spark alive.

4.⁠ ⁠Fight Fair
Disagreements are inevitable, but how you handle them makes all the difference. Remember, your partner is not the enemy. Avoid name-calling, focus on the issue at hand, and work toward solutions. You’re on the same team, so fight for your relationship—not against each other.

5.⁠ ⁠Prioritize Playfulness
Relationships thrive on joy. Stop bringing unnecessary “ishaan” (stress) into your relationships. Be intentional about having fun together—create silly inside jokes, dance in the kitchen, or plan exciting adventures. Playfulness strengthens bonds and keeps love alive.

Final Thoughts

Thriving relationships require vulnerability, effort, and a willingness to grow. It doesn’t matter if this is your first, second, or fifth chance at love—what matters is the work you’re willing to put in.

Remember, even broken crayons can color beautifully when held with care. So, take a deep breath, embrace the process, and rediscover the joy waiting for you.

With Love,
Dr. Aishah Adams